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The Story of You

This is the post excerpt.

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Remington Ellarose Hoppe

August 3rd, 2016 17:11

eight pounds, nine ounces, 21 inches long.

Perfect.

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When I married Dan i knew that I wanted to have babies young. We got married in July of 2015, and in September of that year we had lost our first baby. But in November, we had two pink lines.

I remember being happy, and also scared. I knew before the two lines popped up.

Our first appointment when we saw you jumping around like a little bean. I had no idea the love I would soon know.

I kept wondering what you would look like; daddy’s red hair, mommy’s blonde hair. Daddy’s green eyes, mommy’s blue eyes. Who would you look more like? Or would you be a perfect combination of the two of us.

How amazing is it that I made the most perfect baby with my absolute best friend?

February 13th, 2016

The day things became so much more real…. You were a G I R L

Daddy and I both thought we were having a boy, all the old wives tales told us you were a boy, but yet you were a girl and we were SO happy. You smiled at us, you were perfect, we were head over heels in love with a little girl we would soon meet.

20 week scan

This day was hard, this day tested me, this day broke me, and ultimately made me feel like i have failed you.

Clubbed Feet.

It sounds scary, especially to a young mom, alone, with an ultrasound tech that isn’t talking to you and when she is makes you feel stupid because of your age.

She didn’t talk much to me during the scan but i was beaming looking at you in there. I had been feeling you move for a month now and it was amazing to feel you move and see the movement on the screen.

When the scan was over the tech left but told me to stay and then a doctor came in… she told me there was an abnormality on the scan. Before telling me what that abnormality was she told me that everything will be okay and it can be fixed. ” WHAT?! What can be fixed.” I thought. I looked up from my phone and the picture I had just sent to your dad saying that you were doing amazing.

“She has clubbed feet”

My mind raced with a million questions but I couldn’t say any of them. I just sat there blank, listening as she told me a million things that I was in no position to process right then. I walked out, it was all just motions walking to the car. I told your dad he needed to call me and I told him, He said “It could be worse” which is true but in that moment I was scared, hurt, alone, sad. I called my mom, your mimsy, bawling. I told her what was wrong and she told me she knows a baby with clubbed feet and she is doing just fine. I said I felt like it was my fault, like I did something wrong.

I remember thinking, and feeling bad to this day for thinking “I won’t like my baby, or want to look at her feet.”

God doesn’t give us anything we cannot handle. That is what you taught me. You are strong, You are amazing, and You’ve showed me so much.

A week late, 16 hours of labor, 8 unmedicated, 4 hours of pushing, with no progress. I had failed you once again.

I didn’t want them to vacuum you out, I didn’t want them to use forceps. I said “no I already feel bad about her feet.” So off for a C-section we went.

I wasn’t responding to the numbing medicine even though I had an epidural. They had to put me to sleep and your dad wasn’t allowed in the room. I remember frantically asking “Will her dad get to see her” over and over. Then the last thing I heard was “when she goes under we have one minute to get the baby”.

I woke up nearly four hours after you were born, confused. It was like a movie waking up with blurry vision to  see your dad standing there looking at me.

He showed me pictures of you, I was in and out of sleep. He told me your feet were “pretty bad” but I didn’t care, and I think that was the first time I didn’t care about your feet, or what they looked like. You were my perfect baby.

And there you were, MY little baby girl. Perfect. This is the story of You. You who changed me for the better.

Here’s to you my love.

To the Moon and Back

Momma

 

6 things that happen when you leave a small town

When you leave a small town a lot of positive things happen. A lot more than negative. Leaving behind the dramatic people, same old same old, day in and day out boring, draining life that is small town you really find yourself and become who you’re meant to be. Here’s what I’ve learned leaving a small town.

1. Mystery

No one knows what your up to. Sure you post on social media and they get to see snippets of your life but it’s not like when you lived on the same road and everyone knew who’s car was in your driveway.

2. Finding yourself

You have a chance to start over, be who you want without judgement from the small town dramatic people always bringing you down. You can let go of the judgement, jealous people who honestly do not want what’s best for you because they’re stuck with themselves.

3. Not knowing everyone’s business

More so than not having everyone else know your business, you don’t know anyone else’s buisness. Except for the people who literally post every problem in their life. (The reason block buttons were made). Even if you don’t care about other people’s business, in a small town you’re still hearing about it from everyone. It’s freeing not knowing everyone’s business.

4. You find your people

I’ve made better friends out of my small town than I ever did in my 18 years living with the same people. You meet people who think about more than the highschool sports scores, and who’s dating who. You find people who honestly connect with you on a level you’ve never had before

I’ve made some of the best friends in NC and I’m so grateful for them all.

5. You know your true friends

Along with finding your people you also get to see who’s really on your team. You lose friends. At first it sucks, but then you realize that they were only your friends because it was convenient to them. People don’t really care as much about you when you’re not able to be there in five minutes.

6. You’re happier

It’s scary, moving out of your comfort zone but it is so freeing. You are so happy. Discovering your new home and your new self. I’m happy to say that in the three years I’ve been gone from small town life I have grown more than anything. I’m proud of who I am. And I have leaving a small town to thank for that. It took a lot of course, and in my case I left without telling anyone, but it’s been the best journey of my life.

So your child has clubfoot, here’s what you need to know.

Finding out that your baby is going to be born with clubfeet can be very scary. In fact it is very scary when you know nothing about it.

One in a thousand

One in a thousand. That is the chances of a baby being born with clubbed feet. It’s fairly common. Yet I had never heard of it. But my baby is one in a thousand.
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Blame.

My first thought was “what did I do to cause this”. The answer is the same in every case. Nothing. You did nothing.
Some doctors say it’s genetic, but when there’s no history if clubfoot what is the cause then? Pure luck. Yes I say luck, we’ll get to that later.

Acceptance.

When you first find out you are thinking a million things at once.
Why?
Why did this happen to my baby.
Instead think; it could be worse. This is fixable, my baby will walk and run and play sports. Just a bump in the road.

Research!

Do your research. Find the best doctor you can for your baby. Join the Facebook pages. Ask any and all questions you have.

You do not have to tell anyone

When we first found out we decided we didn’t want to tell people. I couldn’t deal with the questions and the judgement I knew would come along.
Still we had family members we asked not to tell, tell people and guilt us into telling people when we didn’t want to.
This is a hard process. Something you and your partner will have to go through, so you don’t have to tell anyone anything.

Before the casts

Cherish those little toes. The way club foot babies curl their toys under their butts. You will only have those little feet for a few short weeks.

The first cast

This may be the hardest part. I was a mess. Remind was bawling, I was bawling. I knew it wasn’t hurting her. But my 13 day old baby was upset, and my body was responding, with tears and leaking milk.
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The first days after casts

Suck. Tears. So many tears. From you, from your baby.
It’s an adjustment. It’s hard to keep a gassy club foot baby calm. But you will get through this. They won’t remember this and it’s all worth it.

Weekly casting

Every week a new set of cast. Every week another day or so of crying and unconsolable baby and sometimes mom. Just look forward, past the tears, past the uncomfortableness you know your child is feeling.

They will not remember this.

Teneotomy

This is hard. I was in the waiting room having s full blown panic attack. My baby was awake, numbed and getting her heel cord lengthened and I wasn’t with her.
Then the three week cast. So close to freedom

Boots and bar

One of the most exciting parts after the casting phase. But boy is it yet another adjustment.

I thought the day after new casts were hard. Her tender little legs that have been casted for 13 weeks are free and exposed to air and so sensitive. I was so excited to give her a bath yet she hated it because she was so sensitive.

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Milestones

Your perfect clubbed foot cutie will reach all their milestones. This casts and those braces WILL NOT slow them down. I promise you.

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Luck

It may not seem like it at first but clubfoot parents are lucky. All parents are lucky of course but we have a different type of luck.

We learn from the very beginning how amazingly strong our tiny babes are. And how their strength rubs off onto you and makes you realize strengths you never knew you had.

You do what you have to do for your baby. And for us lucky clubfoot momma’s and dadda’s that’s sponge bathing your baby for 13 weeks so they don’t get their casts wet. It’s still going out in public even though people stare and make rude comments. It’s learning how to but boots on a squirmy, sometimes crying baby because you know this is just a phase and this too will pass.

You ate strong. You are amazing. You ate a clubfoot warrior and your baby will thank you for all you did to get them to their perfect feet. Their perfect feet that walk, run, climb, and play sports.

We’re the lucky ones.

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